Terrified by our true identity,
We change what we are in reality.
Living up to people’s expectation,
disguising ourselves in falsification.
This act we put up day by day,
Our true identity is kept at bay.
As each day passes we grow more insecure;
No longer the children we were once before.
We’re soon bewildered by what we become.
The emptiness is the curse, our naivety’s sum
In silent contemplation we now ask,
“Oh! Why didn’t I shed that ugly mask?
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
That was very nice. As many people have said, I think most people can relate to trying to fit in so much that they lose the true purpose in life, or maybe who they really are.
I liked the statement
Only because it's so true. As children we never cared what people thought. We were able to live life carelessly unaware of the opinions of others. As we grow up we loose that quality and spend every minute analyzing ourselves to become what others expect of us.
We place a mask over the parts that are uniquely us. It indeed is an ugly one.
Your poem was shorter then I expected and I think that you can expand a little.
I liked this a lot, good job!
Thanks for the reviews people.About the rhyme...........I am still trying to make it sound not forced, something a little hard for me right now.
Overall, this is a fantastic poem. I would change falsification; its a bit too (sorry if I'm being vague) emotionless. Also, the ending needs some work; mainly the second line. One more thing; the words "insecure" and "before" don't really rhyme enough, I would change them.
Hello, Gun! June here!
So! You have a decent poem here, or a decent start to one. This could use a bit of work; for now, it's slightly rough in some places.
I think rhyme is restricting you. I would suggest dropping it-- you're relying too heavily on it here, and even though you're getting your message across with it, I think your message would be a lot more effective without the rhyme.
As for the topic/theme of this, I think it's decent. I'm not terribly fond of it-- it's a pretty common theme in poetry these days, and for it to really be enjoyable, it has to be unique. You have the potential to make it unique, but the words are restricting you, dear. It sounds like you're forcing this.
Also! The dialogue in the last line seems a bit uncalled for-- if you start a poem casually speaking indirectly, I think you should continue it that way to the end, dear. If you change, you risk confusing your audience, or losing your audience's interest.
As Burgs said, a good effort. Just put a bit of work into this, polish it up, and it will shine.
Juniper
Any questions, PM me.
Hello, Roon here! I really like this, I think it’s something we can all relate to! A few minor nitpicks though:
I don’t know why, but I don’t like the word ugly here, just an opinion, I’m weird so don’t dwell on it!
Right okay, this was my main problem with your poem. It seemed kind of forced, and it didn’t flow, I personally feel that the bottom line needs more syllables for it to work. Also, you used the wrong right/write. I don’t think you actually need this bit.
Apart from that, I thought this piece was really insightful, it sums up a lot of peoples lives, they try so hard to be someone else, then when they are that person, they realise they should have stayed the way they were. A powerful message, be yourself. I think that your rhyming is good, usually rhymes seem forced, but for the most part, yours didn’t, well done!
Thank you for the pleasure of reading this!
~ Roon
hey first i just wanna say thanks for reviewing my poem. i was actually browsing through your portfolio and i see you've done a lot a of poetry and i saw a lot about death and one about religion. i just have to say i'm very intrigued with your work. i liked a lot of them so i'm flattered you liked mine. i'm not much of a poetry writer, i prefer stories but that was just one to kind of throw out there.
ok now for a review.
i liked it. i liked it alot. it's definitely something we can all relate to. a mask to hide our true identities. we also wear it to conform. i didn't see any errors with grammar and all that technical stuff. i liked your rhymes. i have to say i think it's damn near perfect. there's just not much i can suggest for it. maybe it's just because poetry isn't what i'm used to doing. i try but i'm not usually satisfied with what i write. great poems though! all of them!
i agree with burgs2009. i'm familiar with this subject too. has been the subject of many poems and great stories. i also agree with rlw92. we can all relate to this poem.
i think how it was written was well thought of. i love how the words are rhyming each other, but still you didn't lose the sense of the poem (i've read other poems that have strayed out of its concept to just keep the rhyming of the poem-- many of those poems were my own work)
i think it's very simple. add a little more spice to it
anyway, i like it.
Firstly i enjoyed this poem short, sweet, simple and a theme a lot of people can relate to.
This is the only part of the poem i wasn't too thrilled upon and let it down a lil for me mate. I think the yore part was a lil forced and confusing.
As a personal preference i would have tried something like
As each day passes we grow more insecure
and slowly realise there are flaws we can not cure
good poem anyway mate.
3 stars
a subject i'm all to familiar with!
Well written on the whole, although in the line:
The rhyme seem a little bit forced, although it still just about works.
A good effort.
a subject i'm all to familiar with!
weel written on the whole, although in the line:
The rhyme seem a little bit forced, although it still just about works.
A good effort.